This is one of those nights where I feel particularly emotional.
For no real reasons. Not that I could think of, anyway.
Except perhaps, it's that time of the month where hormones gleefully wreck havoc on my psyche. Or it could be the rose wine that my friend brought me as a gift when she passed by the duty-free shop on her way back to Singapore from Shanghai for a visit during the Lunar New Year.
But perhaps, that's putting it too simply.
Deep down, I know it's probably a cumulation of everything that's going on in my life recently.
Anyway, back to counting my lucky stars:
I am grateful for my destiny
I am grateful to be born into this family. Though there had and have been turbulence aplenty, but still, it's a normal family with its typical ups and downs (even though certain 'downs' had been pretty bad and lasted a long time). And at this age, I have gone through enough and am old and 'wise' enough to realise that I am extremely blessed, regardless of whether I compare myself to many others who went through worse. Though our family life is not as charmed as some friends', but it is good enough by the time I have arrived at this stage. And as for how good life for my family is going to be in the future, I know that's entirely up to me. Depending on how one sees it, it either puts the pressure on me, or it puts power in my hands. I choose to see it as the latter. It's empowering.
I am grateful to be my mum's daughter
Through her, I realise that a person's achievements in life needs not necessarily be measured by career success, material gains or the figure in the bank. In fact, some captains of industries might have less to be proud of than they thought. My mum doesn't really understand English, she was only educated up to Primary Six level in Malaysia, and that was back in those 1950/60s days. She is also not as savvy about the written and unwritten rules of socially/politically-correct conduct as I would like her to be when it comes to communications with others or public behaviour (though she is indeed trying and learning, as I am always on her case with a good deal of seemingly disrespectful chastising and eye-rolling, for her good...keke).
But she is strong like a rock. She keeps the family together. She probably have gone through more than I ever will in my entire lifetime. Yet she remained positive and strong throughout every tough period in the past, where some lasted for years with no end in sight, where she seemed to be the only one keeping everything together while things just kept falling apart. Instead of being jaded, cynical and beaten by life's trials, today, she is as keen as ever to offer a listening ear and advice to anyone in a spot of trouble, empathizing with them and encouraging them to face their issues bravely and look forward to better times. Those 'anyone in a spot of trouble' includes me too. I had been her strongest pillar of support during one of those tough periods which we went through as a family in earlier days (which I later realised through a newspaper article that I could sue her for a category of child abuse hahaha), but she is the one who continually gives me the vote of confidence and unconditional love and support in every way as I negotiate through life. I love her to bits because she fully deserves my love, and she loves me to bits too (it shows in a variety of big and little ways), probably because I fully deserve her love too hahaha.
Her zest for life has grown with age too. She has been going to English and Internet classes for a while now (though she has little result to show for it, keke), and she has been taking singing lessons for many years too (this she's quite good in). Not the karaoke, Teresa Teng type, but the soprano-ish type, almost like those of English opera. Some had passed remarks that she's wasting her time and money since it's not like she's going to get a job where she really needs to be fluent in English or be well-versed in Internet skills. And since she doesn't even like performing on stage, there's no point in her being so serious in her quest to sing well. But she just brushes it off. Because what matters to her is that she knows it makes her feel good to pursue interests that promote self-improvements and, most important of all, make her happy.
This trait of her has rubbed off on me too...the self-reminder to be confident and determined to not be easily affected nor ruled by what others think, simply because you know what you are doing and why you are doing that. Even if it won't yield significant or the 'right' results in the short-term - or ever, according to others. I am not only referring to her interest classes, but also to the way she dealt with certain tough issues in the past. She was faced with the pressure of much condemnation and a lot of those 'see, see, told her it wouldn't work' comments from an assortment of important and non-important characters back then, when the situation didn't improve or even worsen for a while. But she held on, because she knew what she was doing...even if others didn't see things her way. Though the line that separates confidence and foolhardiness/sturbborness is a thin and indistinct one, her decisions then were never about being foolhardy nor stubborn. She is always someone who will sincerely consider all opinion and feedback, and will think long and hard about each decision.
She is far from perfect, nor will she ever be anywhere near perfection. Just like me. But she loves me as I am, and I love love love her for who she is, and I am eternally grateful to the fact that I am so so so lucky enough to be her daughter.
Note: We scream and yell a great deal. But that's because we love each other too much, hahaha. The thing is, we recognise that's bad, and we both have been making a conscious effort to be more civilised and controlled in our mutual communications...hehehe.
I am grateful to have a nice number of really good friends
I may not be so marvellous at networking that I will bump into acquaintances at every turn or amass hundreds or thousands or ten of thousands of friends on Friendster or Facebook. But I am truly grateful that I have enough true friends to last me for a very long time, some perhaps forever. Friends, in the sense that we really understand and admire one another at a real personal level. Friends, where we know we can count on one another for quality company in good times (even when all we do is talk nonsense that isn't even funny), and emotional support in lousier ones.
A good number of these friends have been the balm to my frazzled soul in various ways in various stages of my life thus far.
Some have also been my most steadfast cheerleaders. In fact, I sometimes feel they have more faith in me than I do myself. It makes me seriously wonder if I have somehow misled them...hahaha.
Rosy as these friendships seem, misunderstandings and cold-wars etc will inadvertently rear their ugly heads every so often. But well, those are part of the package for all kinds of relationships, I guess. And when handled right, they draw us closer.
Anyway, as we 'age', most of us have learnt not to sweat the small stuff. Because we know they will lead to big blow-ups. Which will just lead to unnecessary 'heartache'. I think we have all become more grown-up now.
Oh shit. We are grown-ups.
I love my friends...hehehe ; )
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There are many more things in my life that I am grateful for...but now, sleep is beckoning.
Speaking of sleep, I will be grateful to enjoy a relatively dream-free rest tonight. My sleep had been interrupted by way too many stressful dreams lately...they included thriller, horror and action-packed sequences. If a dream-free state is too much to ask for, I would gladly settle for a more chick-flick kind of storyline too.
It would at least be better than waking up feeling all drained out from running around to solve mysteries, running away from ghosts or running on the top of covered walkways a la Jackie Chan.
Goodnight, and sweet dreams.
